Sex & Ayurveda
Premature Ejaculation
A lot of men and/or their partners wish they
were able to prolong their sexual encounters. Lack of ejaculatory
control might, in fact, be the number one sexual complaint among
men under the age of 50. The details of the complaint vary greatly
though. Concerns range from the man who will ejaculate within
seconds, at the first touch or just prior to penetration, to the
man who is able to receive oral and manual stimulation without
ejaculating, but with intercourse will orgasm within a minute.
There are men who report being quick to ejaculate from their very
first sexual encounter and remain so. There are men who report
having been quick during early sexual encounters but somehow
gained control until suddenly losing control again. Then there are
men who seem never ever to have been bothered by an untimely
ejaculation. Obviously there is not just one type of ejaculatory
concern.
"Premature" or "rapid" ejaculation is also
relative to the man and/or his partner's expectations. There are
men who are able to thrust for 5 minutes before ejaculating and
complain because they had hoped to last another 25 minutes. There
are men who last 20 minutes but their partners complain that they
did not wait for her -- or worse yet, draw comparisons with her
last lover who had set a record for marathon thrusting. Consider
another couple who plays for an hour after a very romantic
evening. In the course of love play the man manually and then
orally stimulates his partner who, in response, has three orgasms.
He then mounts, thrusting hard and deep, and ejaculates in about
45 seconds. This couple then holds each other in the afterglow of
their intimate exchange, telling each other how wonderful the
lovemaking had been. Does this man have a problem? Not if both are
happy with the encounter. What if he moves on to another
relationship and the next woman is not comfortable receiving oral
stimulation to orgasm and expects 10 minutes of coital thrusting!
These examples make it clear that a man's expectations and/or the
expectations of his partner (s) have something to do with his
labeling himself as having a problem.
In the past, premature ejaculation was defined
by the percent of times the man ejaculates during intercourse
before his partner does. There is, however, a major problem with
defining a man's ejaculatory control in terms of his partner's
orgasmic frequency during intercourse. It has been clearly
demonstrated that the majority of women (perhaps around 65%) are
unable to orgasm with the stimulation of intercourse alone...
never could and probably never will. For most women the vagina is
significantly less sensitive than the clitoris, which is not
always stimulated in most coital positions. A fair number of the
roughly 35% of women who can make it during intercourse do so by
combining clitoral stimulation with what they are experiencing
vaginally. It is fortunate that some positions that work best for
the woman are the same in which a man might exercise better
control of his ejaculatory process.
You might now ask, "What is normal or typical?"
Let's first, however, consider the question, "What is natural?" In
nature the purpose of sex is procreation, and this process is
accomplished by the deposit of sperm deep in the vagina,
independent of the time it takes to do so (or, for that matter,
the partner's satisfaction). Our primate cousins, the apes, chimps
and monkey, ejaculated in seconds.
As human beings, however, sex is more often for
recreation, typically with great pains being taken to prevent
pregnancy. Sex for humans is an expression of love, a sharing of
intimacy, a form of communication, and often we feel it is an
expression of our manhood or womanhood. We have a certain
investment in being good at it! However, it appears natural for a
man to move toward vaginal intercourse, thrust upon penetration,
and ejaculate quickly.
This brings us to the question, then, about
normalcy. It is my position that it is normal for men to sense an
urge to ejaculate quickly and feel the need to exercise some
control. We'll finally look at the question now of "What is
typical?" Although averages stated vary a bit from study to study,
it would appear safe to say that the average healthy male under
30, with steady vaginal thrusting, will ejaculate in 1 to 3
minutes, not 15 minutes as most men would wish.
There are factors that influence how quickly a
man will ejaculate. The younger the man, the more likely it is
that he will ejaculate quicker. The more excited the man, the
quicker he is likely to be, and related to this, the more novel
and exciting the partner, the greater the tendency to orgasm
rapidly. Also, the longer the time since his last ejaculation, the
greater the loss of control. Furthermore, the more active and
rapid the thrusting, the sooner he is likely to reach the point of
ejaculatory inevitability - that point of no return. It also seems
clear that the more worried or anxious the man, the shorter his
fuse will be. In summary, the man at greatest risk of ejaculating
quickly is the young man who is with a new partner after a long
dry spell and is very excited, but very nervous, as he penetrates
and thrusts steadily and rapidly.
Men have tried many things to slow themselves
down. Makers of the desensitizing creams have made fortunes
because men believe that if they numb the end of their penis they
will last longer. However, most men are disappointed with these
over-priced creams, as the ejaculatory reflex is much more
complicated than just superficial nerve endings. Someone once said
that our largest sex organ is not between our legs, but rather
between our ears. There is a lot of complicated neurology between
the end of a penis and the top of the man's brain! More recently,
physicians have been prescribing medications that have been found
to have ejaculatory retardation as a side effect, but as a
behavioral therapist I have a problem with this. Even if such
medication does work (and it often does not), it will "cure"
nothing. The man can't take it for a lifetime, and in relying on
the magic pill will never learn how to manage his ejaculatory
process in a way to prolong the pleasure both he and his partner
experience. Condoms might help (and should always be worn in the
practice of safer sex), but in a long-term committed relationship,
condoms may be a nuisance unless being worn for contraceptive
purposes.
Unfortunately, much effort by well-intended sex
therapists has been wasted, for many of my colleagues have not
understood the dynamics of the natural ejaculatory response nor
the important learning components of gaining better management of
the process. In part, the difficulty has been with them viewing
rapid ejaculation (a term I prefer over premature ejaculation) as
a pathological condition rather than a natural one. Rapid
ejaculation has been grouped with the sexual dysfunctions, even
though it is quite common and the majority of young excited males
will ejaculate rapidly at least in the early encounters with a
responsive and novel partner. Calling it a dysfunction is
essentially turning a natural process into an illness. In the
medical model of thinking, if there is an illness, there is
hopefully a cure. Thus we find many self-help books promising a
cure in from 4 to 8 weeks! If it is a natural and fairly typical
response, what is there to cure? I am not surprised to learn that
a three-year follow-up study has shown that a significant number
of the men thought to be "cured," end up right back where they
started from before beginning treatment. Something is missing in
the routine prescription of behavioral homework given with the
promise that faithful compliance will effect a lasting life-long
remedy. Just doing the prescribed exercises will not change
anything over the long run if the man does not learn something
new.
It may well be that some men are just more
sensitive than others. There is no cure for what is just one more
of the multitude of individual differences we find among people.
However, I had mentioned earlier two very common features of men
who consistently ejaculate rapidly: High sexual excitement and
high psychological anxiety. If a man is to learn an effective
strategy for managing his ejaculatory response, he must not allow
himself to become overly excited. Yes, ejaculatory control will
cost a man something, for he cannot get caught up in crazy-wild
passion without dashing uncontrollably toward that point of
ejaculatory inevitability. Increasing the frequency of
ejaculation, either with a partner or through self-stimulation can
help. Also staying relaxed both in mind and body is very
important.
There is a series of step by step exercises
"prescribed" by sex therapists called the start-stop method, but
it is not simply starting and stopping that helps a man gain
control. The man must focus in on his steady progression toward
the inevitable, that point of no return. He must identify all the
internal indicators that he is approaching that threshold where
his body will automatically take over and propel him to orgasm.
This requires relaxation and concentration. He cannot be thinking
of his partner's response nor even looking at her body. He must
stay within himself and feel his process unfolding. Then he must
stop before reaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
Typically the instructions are to start and stop four or five
times before "letting go" and ejaculating. I always remind men to
identify what that psychological / physical "letting go" really
involves. The start-stop procedure works best with a committed and
giving partner whom is willing to take the time to help. Typically
the "homework" starts with manual stimulation with a dry hand.
After a few such encounters, a lubricant is
introduced, but the stimulation is still manual. If all is going
well, after several such episodes oral stimulation is suggested if
the woman is comfortable performing fellatio. Remember, with each
of these steps, the stimulation is started and, as the point of no
return is approached, the stimulation is stopped. The man must not
allow his partner to begin again until he is absolutely sure he is
back under control, even if this means he is beginning to lose
some of his firmness.
Ayurvedic Supplements for Premature Ejaculation :
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